today was a WEIRD day. It started off bad, but it turned out pretty good. SW woke up grouchy and just like ranting over EVERY little thing. Somehow his mood ended up switching me him and the kids went to a stream that I Think breaks off from the big piney. Him and his friend Larry caught little baby fish for bait b/c sunday they are going fishing. While me and the babies played in the water. We found a bunch of sea shells. We also found a river muscle still in the shell which I thought was cool. And we found a fossil of a craw daddy (is that how its spelt) so it ended up being a good day. I was happy by the end of it. SW and I have been talking about moving back to tn... Its not where I want to leave b/c I really like it here. I just want a bigger house. I want to make more money, and I would like to be near my family. I feel kind of secluded here and i never felt like that in TN. Like if sw was at work I would go hangout w/ my sister or my friend angel. and here I dont really have anyone like that, and even if I did what would we do go to walmart? lame! so I mean both sides have their ups and downs. I dont think we will end up leaving, but hey you never know! anyhow I am going to go! xoxo Tara

so tonight me and steven were talking about the whole married bit and basically I got told that reguardless if he goes into the army or not we are NOT getting married. WOW what a slap in the face! Am I doing something wrong. I swear to god I am cursed! I should of just married the first guy who asked me. He is making a huge deal out of this. We are going to be together forever. I do everything he freaking asks me to. I've always been there for him and done what he wanted, but he cant do this! This isnt fair. He's always told me we were going to get married. Why would he string me along and have kids with me if he never planned to marry me. WTF? Its not funny at all because I totally feel betrayed and lied to and not worth a damn right now. I mean No girl plans to just have kids with a guy and live with him wash his dirty underwear and just be his "bitch". I really dont think I can stay if he cant make this little commitment and marry me. I mean I know its a big commitment. But I've stuck through him through SOOOO much shit that like I am not even going to talk about on here, ahd this is something that people do when they are in love. This is something that I Feel like I deserve. And i Feel like he is being very shitty! I feel like I am getting the shaft. I am just so angry and hurt right now I dont know what to do with myself. My heart is broken and the one guy who is supose to always love me we have kids together... its not right it really isnt.

Well today I got my big check from the Gov. Yay thanks Uncle Sam. I had thought that with this money we would be going to get my engagement rings, but thats not happening. SW had even mentioned it. So when I got my check I was so excited I told him we would pay 600 on the car payment 200 on the rings (I would pay the other 60 when it got back from being sized) the rest we would pay on the phone and water... but he said no. We had to pay 800 on the car and the rest would pay the phone and water. So I wont be getting my ring so we proably wont be getting married anytime soon. I wont lie I wanted to cry. I was completely heart broken. I mean I guess it shouldnt be such a big deal, but I Really wanted this ring. Its the ring of my dreams and I love it so much. It shouldnt be a huge deal, but it is. I will get over it, I always do. But its not fair and life shouldnt always be so disappointing and hard. Sometimes things should just go right and things should work out nicely. I wanted to tell him how hurt I was b/c I dont think I ask for a whole bunch.. Even if I do I dont force him to get anything. This was all I wanted. All of my income tax money has always gone to what he wanted. Has always paid off his shit and bills and all sorts of bogus shit. This was all I really asked for or wanted. It wasnt a huge deal. He spends tons of money on stupid shit. I will never get my ring. I just want to cry. This was a huge deal to me. When a girls engaged the ring kind of is the glue. The type of ring I have shows hows much this guy cares about her. I know that sounds silly but its true. I have nothing to prove I am engaged. When I tell people I am engaged they always look at my hand and I have nothing there. I mine as well tell them I'm black for they would beable to believe that as much as they would be able to believe I'm engaged. Its so disappointing. Its not fair. Life shouldnt always be so disappointing. Its not like I dont want to pay ANY of the bills. And he could finish catching the car up when he sells his truck. But instead he is getting a 4wheeler. WTF do we need a GOD FOR SAKEN 4 wheeler for???? We can barely afford gas for the Damn Car! I wish I could tell him how I felt but it would just make us fight. I dont want him to think I am a baby or selfish... I am not trying to be selfish. Is it so wrong for me to want this so bad? He should want to get me this engagement ring. And I am angry with him over it which isnt fair to him I know, but I dont want to talk to him or rub him or anything. Because I feel like he is being inconsiderate. He isnt thinking of my feelings right now. I've been very paitent. I've stuck with him through alot. I do whatever he asks of me. Why cant I have this one thing. I wish there was a little angel on his shoulder that would whisper in his ear what a good deed this would be. That would tell him how much I deserve this. So I wouldnt have to. I know I wont, and no one will. I will never get the ring and I will have to get over it. Like I always do. He should want to do this for me and the fact that he doesnt just makes me mad. It makes me feel like he doesnt care. And maybe he doesnt. I guess I am done I am going to go watch tv so I can go to bed wake up tomrorow and go to stupid work so everyone can be all happy and married and I can be the dumb girl who got knocked up by a guy who WILL NEVER EVER MARRY HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boss was sick today so I didnt have to worry about her nagging me half to death. Though my co-workers have not let up on calling me "dumb girl" I work w/ idiotic men and if you make one mistake or ask one LAME question u are labeled Dumb Girl. I am not dumb. Well his daughter came in tonight, and let me just be clear, She is not the smartest bulb in the box. And she doesnt seem to like her father. She's like did he tell you he had kids. I was like No he doesnt talk to me unless its to tell me I'm dumb. Or to tell bad sex jokes. Not funny just gross. Apparently the last girl who complained got fired a week later. They say it wasnt for complaining she was late or something but I dont think thats the reason. I figured just keep to myself and get my work done. The rude cooks they said I was a bad server today. I am NOT a bad server. I get flustered easily, and I forget what I am supose to be doing. Thats b/c I have so much going on in my head though. SW is talkin about going into the army Austin is getting ready to go back to Tn, and summer is almost here and winter clothes have not been put away. Anyhow I think I am going to move Maddie and Carter into austins room while he is away this summer and try to get some order back to my life. Not that he is the disorder. Its just easier to get my room in order w/out a 2 and 3 year old in there. I can not wait till I get my bigger house! My shoulder is so sore. Its like I have a charlie horse in it. I asked steven to rub it and it felt like he was pinching it at the top. Is that whats it supose to feel like? Is that what it feels like when I rub him, if so I am SO SORRY! It does not feel nice. So as far as friends goes, we havent been hangin w/ keisha and ziggy lately. they just havent been around. We went to her graduation party last friday but didnt stay very long, we went to hangout w/ another couple that are our age. We played video games and drank, alot. Anyhow... I think we are going to go to a truck pull or something tomorrow night. WTF is a truck pull is my question. Sounds like something silly to me. Nothing fun. But we are trying to do a bunch of stuff w/ austin b/c this is are last weekend as a family for a whole month. I do think it will be relaxing maybe I can gain some control over my other 2 which have taken on some very nasty habbits. Telling me no and screaming at the top of their lungs and hitting. I tried telling them that hands are for patty cake and not fot hitting like the nanny from nanny 911. My kids didnt take to it like the kids on tv did though. Everything is so much more difficult in real life. I watch those shows and I'm like wow that would really work but when I try it on mine they are like haha smack! Am I rambling? I guess I am... So I havent heard any more news on the whole wedding thing. He wont let me know yes or no, it all depends on the army, but I get to get my wedding rings! OMG YAY! I have picked out the most WONDERFUL ring. Its sooooooooooooooooo cute! Its a princess cut and looks huge and its only like 258 dollars. Isnt that great? Well anyways I am going to go. I am sorry for going on like a crazy person. and if this has a million grammar mistakes I am so sorry. I should reread it but if I do I will just delete a bunch of stuff. And I love the stuff that flows and thats real. Its what I'm feeling right now and thats what I want to remember when I read this 4 years from now. How I was feeling right at this moment. xoxox Tara

Wedding bells are ringing! Do you here the blue birds singing??? LoL do I seem so very chipper? Well I AM! I'm getting married! OMG RIGHT? YAY! Finally! I went into chat tonight and met some really nice folks! Its always nice to meet new people. I took some medicine and feel a little dizzy, so I am not going to write very much tonight. SW is still talking about going into the army, and we even sat down and talk to the kids about it today. The babies didnt really know what was going on, but Austin was very interested and gave honest answers. He said he was proud of his dad b/c thats a big honor and being a son of a soldier was something to be proud of, but he was scared his dad could get hurt. SW explains to him that if god wanted to take him it wouldnt matter where he was. SW said I could get my ring when we get our checks! WOOHOO! I am so excited. The only thing good I see about the army thing is the money. I know supporting the troops is good, but I just see so many bad things. I would never leave steven and what kind of person would I be if I left him while he was at war. I am not one of those people who think so much of myself that I could do that. I've stuck by him through so much that if I left him once he was really really trying to better our lives what kind of person would I be? How completely retarded would that make me? So I plan to see him through w/ any decision he makes. Even if that means we dont get married right now. Even though I do think we will get married with in the next month. I havent told my mom but daddy knows. My mom is stressed b/c of personal family drama and my Grandmother is sick again w/ cancer. Whenever I get my cell back I will call her and make sure she is feeling ok! My mom loves sw soooo much but she doesnt want us to make a mistake. The way I see it is we have kids together, and I love him. I couldnt imagine my kids and me with anyone else. Anyways I am going to go! Hope everyones night is good! xoxox Tara