tonight I feel creative and so many thoughts running through my mind. one of my customers (an older gentlemen is sick) I took him a card and gift by the hospital. I want him to know I love him and care for him that he is not just a customer to me. He helped me realized that I want to be around older people. So many people just neglect there family b/c well they're old. But how sweet and full os wisdom they are. I want to help them. If I could help just one and make there last couple of years happy that would make me feel like I am doing something good with my life. I think I found my calling and I know what I want to do. So my next day off I am going to go apply and I get the job I am putting in my 2 weeks notice at the bitches resturant. I feel sorry for her because no one likes her but she is retarded. She hurt her wrist somehow has to wear a brace. So I offer over and over again to let me help her and she just doesnt accept my hlep. SW and I have been getting along really good. He keeps snapping over little things, but he has also been so sweet. Something in my life feels right... like I know some good is coming. We need more people in life who care for other people. What I want from all of you is to think about the people around you. When you see someone who could use some help, there pride is just to big to ask. Find a way to help them. When you think a child is being hurt make it your buisness to get involved. We are just as bad when we walk by and ignore the problem. Its our job as good people to help people who dont have as much who have problems. My goal is to help people. I want to help as many people as i can possibly help. I have a huge heart. I care for just about everyone even when I hate someone I feel like if they needed something I would be there. If we all just got involved alittle more then teh world would be a better place. A smile goes along way. A dollar to a bum is like a 5 to us. Throw him a 5 give him a break. See how good you feel about yourself. When that man or women says "God bless you" you tell them that god has blessed all of us and that the good is coming for them. And when it does pass it forward. Because if we all did just a little bit more good for our fellow man this really would be a happier more peacful earth and isnt that what we all truely want?

Well today has been a VERY stressful day. I've told you guys all about this lady (my boss) and how she curses us and tells everyone she has a gun (a 22) that she calls a pea shooter that apparently she keeps on her. This women is a real bitch. Well she tells me one thing then when I do it that way she'll say its not right. Like she told me when you open a jar you can refill the crocks for the salad bar w/ that jar (like say a jar of pickled okra) but once that jar is empty you should open take a new crock make a refill put it in the cooler and let the okra get empty. Well today a girl asked me where I would find the pickles and I told her to refill a new crock and put it in the cooler like I was told. And linda started yelling about it. I had already done half the salad bar and I had to stay till 4 so that meant I had todo all the stuff that had to be done from 2-5. Well there was a new girl working from 11-2 I was going to let her do the other half of the salad bar sense I had done my half and linda started yelling at me for starting the other prep work early. I tried to explain to her that I had done almost the whole salad bar already but she wouldnt shut up and let me talk. So when the new girl asked me another question I told her w/ attitude I guess to ask linda b/c obviously I didnt know how to do anything. (nobody likes to ask linda anything b/c shes a bitch and snaps at you when you ask her anything) so linda went and got on her uniform and told me I needed to call someone to come get me at 2. I asked richard if I was fired and he told me no to come in and that we would talk about it tomorrow. I am really pissed off I know this doesnt sound like a huge deal and it shouldnt be. But I hate people to tell me things and then tell me something different I had this very same problem at wal-mart it confuses me and makes me not know what to do. The fact is I'm glad i stood up for myself. Honestly, if I lose my job oh well. but I love my hours and the job isnt a bad job. I have really great customers and linda is sometimes even pleasant. But I dont like people snapping at me and I dont like it when people act like I do a bad job when I think I do a good job. I dont mess around at work. I dont smoke when I am there 9-2 and I dont cause problems. I goof off but not nearly as much as everyone else. I really try to impress everyone b/c I've always worked for mommy and sisco or at the resturant w/ steven or somewhere where someone else was looking out for me. SO when I get a job where i have no one w/ my back I always try to do a good job. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should go to the meeting and tell him how she acts and that I think she should change too or if I should go there and just appologize. It pissed me off so bad when she said I wont work w/ someone w/ an attitude and just 2 nights earlier she had been screaming at everyone like a maniac. atleast she has that choice we dont. If she wants to be a bitch we have to listen to it. Well not me. I am already on thin ice and if they dont watch it I will wait untill its a sunday morning they are horribly busy I will say lind a ur a real bitch and walk out. I've done it before and I have no problem doing it agian. I guess I should stop bitching... Wasnt my blog so much more pleasant when I didnt have a job. lol someone should mention that to SW. I hope everyone else is having a better week then me. Xoxox Tara

sw and I have been getting along really well. I like my job. Even though last couple days I've been pmsing. Basically 2 days before and the whole week during this time of the month I am moody tired and a bitch. Well Linda (the owner) had bitten off more then she could chew (which she does often) see when we have parties she likes to take the whole group for herself and then bitch because she cant keep up and she blaims this on everyone else. I usually bite my tounge but I had a hard time doing it. I think my attitude my get me in a little bit of trouble. I am going to have a talk with them though. If I am going to work there I dont want to be cursed at. I work damn hard and I am to polite to be talked to like that and if that bitch has a problem with me she needs to say something and stop mumbling about it under her breath like a little bitch. (see thats the pms coming out) As for mother life. Austin is in Tennessee I think I mentioned that. He called the other day but i was exausted I didnt even get a chance to talk with him b/c I just fail right back to sleep, but from what I heard he sounded so very sad, and that makes me sad. So I am going to call him tomorrow its my day off. I think I have anger issues too. I get so mad and just scream. I know I dont handle stress well b/c when I was pregnant w/ Maddelyn (my first pregnancy) I would have horrible anxiety/panic attacks that would make me tense up where I would tense up like every muscle wanted to explode sometimes I would cry or scream and on 2 occasions I got violent. I think b/c I am holding so much in and not talking about it enough that I am beginning to get that anxiety back. I talk on here but there are things I cant come out and say on here. I want to talk to these people and let them know what is bothering me, but I dont want anyone mad at me nor do I want anyones feelings hurt. I have a hard time w/ comfrontation. But I have to do something b/c it is making me a very unpleasant person. Even SW has picked up something is wrong. He is not one of those guys who notice things like that. and he asked me if I was depressed or something. I am not depressed I am just stressed. We are behind on our car payment and I hate getting reminded of that ALL the time. I know I am behind I think about it contstantly. But I want to get rid of my car, yes its a good little car but we have ran it so long w/ out keeping up on the things that have to be done to it that its just to the point where I am done w/ it. The starter is going out on it the tires need to be replaced the breaks need to be replaced along w/ the roaders (I dont know what the fuck they are but I know I ruined them) And the muffler was hanging so I took a really thick zip tie and put it back up (all by myself too) well its plastic so when it snaps its going to come down hard and I am afraid it will do alot of damage. So we really need to trade this car in before it falls apart. And its doing this weird thing where it will break down and not start in random places. Steven says its the battery but I know thats not true b/c when my battery quits working I lose all my radio stations I have programed and that hasnt happen. I think its the starter going out on it b/c thats what the nissan use to do. The other I was driving and the breaks locked up and it wouldnt do anything and it slipped out of gear. I could go on w/ a list of trouble I've been having w/ my "good" little car. GOD i miss the honda. Anyways I guess I had more to write about then what I thought. I am sorry to sound so bitchy but only 3 more days and this will be over with and I will be little miss mary fucking sunshine agian. lol. have a nice week everyone! dont let your bosses walk all over you every now and then say do you have a fucking problem with me. xoxox Tara

Life has been good. Friday I was under the impression steven and I were really getting married, but we arent. Atleast not right now. I think I want to get my lip peirced I would really like it. I use to have it done but my mom went crazy and made me take it out. I just dont find it very motherly. So I proably wont do it. I miss my mom and I miss my sister. My sister is back in tennessee. This is the first time I've ever been apart from both of them for such a long period of time. its hard. I want to go home really bad sometimes, but at the same time there are things here I dont want to leave. When I was growing up I cant remember living anywhere for more then a few months and mitchell would screw it up and we would have to live w/ aunt bonnie or terry ann. Aunt bonnie the smart one had bought a house in the country. It was on its own private islane it felt like. Water wrapped all around her property not the drive way though, but when in it rained hard the drive way would flood. We would play hard all day. Puppies were always being born in the basement, and we were crowded but never unwanted or unwelcomed. There was such a closeness and love. I am still very close w/ my cousins and aunts and uncles. I think its b/c we lived together so much. Anyhow I remember staying there the most when I was a kid, and the stability I felt. It was safe. we werent going to be uprooted and have to move as soon as you're comfortable. Thats what I want my kids to have complete stability, not having to move as soon as there room is set up, and here I can give that to them, I am not so sure in tennessee they can have that. So I guess I am going to have to go. I'm going to watch some tv and wait for steven to come home. Good night. xoxox Tara

My goodness. These past 2 days were busy ones. But I had so much fun being at home playing w/ my babies! If I did nothing right with the rest of my life, I made some smart pretty babies! I love them with all of me. They are so perfect and sweet. Steven and I had fun too. Even though it was busy sometimes its nice driving him around and talking! Now everyone is getting tucked in and ready for work tomorrow. The babies go to there Ma'ma's house. We got a new tv a flat screen but I think we are going to take it back. And I think Steven is going to get my rings. Surely but slowly he is coming around! Sometimes I get so down and depressed. I am very good at feeling sorry for myself. But on days like this I cant believe I can be so selfish. I have a good life, a good family a nice job. A dependable car, and a dependable man. Some girls would die to be in my shoes. I should be more thankful. I will make sure to say my prayers tonight and love on my babies! Anyhow have a good night! Love you! Later! xoxox Tara