this life can be so great, but at times it can be so depressing. Everything gets so rough, and I cant believe that I have to keep going. You know the one thing that goes through my head atleast twice a day, I wish I would of listened to my mom. Kids think they know it all. I had a plan everything was going to be so easy so much better when I was all grown up, but nothing got easier. When things just come so easy to those who dont deserve it I just want to smash them in their mouths. (violent I know) I know that i Have it very good. better then some girls my age. I own my home steven and I have a pretty good relationship. And i have 2 great wonderful and charming kids. But I always want more. A better car a better house the kids to behave better. Sometimes I kind of pray for a disaster so that steven and I could start over. so that somebody might say look how hard those 2 have it, lets help them out and give them a great looking house. I know this shit really doesnt happen and I live in lala dopey land (you know where that is take a left right before never never land) I just want something easy. Like cleaning. I hate to clean it makes me miserable. So I cleaned the house the other day super super good. Steven still found a way to bitch about it. My feelings were so hurt, and i felt like Why TRY. Why even waste my time if he is still going to bitch at me about it. Some people have it so easy its like people WANT to take care of them... If I sit at home and dont work and have no income its like people love to throw money at you. GRRRR! but people who try (I admitt at times I could try harder) but I honestly do try people think well they are making it alittle at a time they will be fine. I know I dont have it horribly bad and some people will read this, and say I wish this gal would grow up and see how good she has it. I do know I have somethings really good. I just dont see why so many people just get handed the good life. I mean lindsay lohan is pretty but she is not a good actress and she cant sing a lick. Brittany spears has turned into a total crack whore and has so much money. It makes me sick. If they paid those people a little bit less and paid the honest working man a little bit more how much better would life be, how much easier would it be on you and me. Next time you're handing out money to your lazy kid who wont work or your husband who refuses to get a job think about all those people who do work or would work if there were jobs available and make there lazy asses go out and get a DAMN job or make them suffer. xoxox Tara

started my job at the elderly place. It was kind of gross I wont lie. I have a weak stomach and can only take so much. I pray that I get use to it. Or we become millionairs and I dont have to work. I guess if those other girls can do it I can... right? I dont have a whole bunch to talk about. I'm kind of bored and a little out of touch. I feel like writting but I dont know what to write about. I went to walmart and bought a bunch of those 1 subject notebooks for 5 cents a piece. Great deal right? My cell phone is broke and I cant afford to fix it. I think I am just going to buy a trac phone but they dont get service anywhere and alltel gets service EVERYWHERE. my friend wrecked her car the other night. It was some accident. I felt really bad for her. She is ok so dont have to worry. The preschool I was going to put maddelyn in is not opening this year so now i have to try to get her into another preschool. Tough cookies. Did I tell you all I got new tattoos? Yea on my hip they are cute. They are rocker stars w/ little stars around them. I love them. they're hott. I guess I should jump in the shower so I can work tomorrow. yay more gross stuff. sorry for being so unpleasant but its yucky. I guess someone has todo it. I guess I will talk to you all later. Have a nice evening. hope your week doesnt suck. xoxo Tara

so i got another new job. lol. I bet you all are so sick of hearing about my new jobs. Well this one is something I think I i will enjoy. I will be taking care of elderly people. I love old people I love old men. Not in a creepy anne nicole smith way, but they are so sweet. I have an old man friend named milton from when I worked at pizza express. He got sick right when I was quitting. I wanted him to know I cared even if he didnt see me again. So I bought him a wind chime and got him a card from me. I didnt take it to him in the hospial room b/c I cry easy but I left it at the nurses station. I think I already told you all this but I feel good about doing it. So Stevens oldest son isnt returning to stay with us this year. I feel guilty. Only b/c I feel like fingers were pointed at me. Steven made the comment if I couldnt get along w/ austin how could he trust me with the babies. Should he be worried? I never beat austin, but we argued, maybe I am imature. He just got under my skin so easily. i love him he isnt always a pain. but sometimes i felt like if i didnt get away I would go insane. Steven wanted to move back to tennessee at first I was all for it, but then it just all went to crap. We dont have a baby sitter there and my sister and brother in law were moving back to virginia. I thought maybe his aunt could babysit but he said no that wasnt even an option she was to busy. So I said I didnt want to move back there. He got so angry. I uderstand, but I hope he see's my part. I know he is tired of wood treating buisness. I know its hard work, but he has other options. Anyhow i am back on my task of trying to find a cheap bigger nicer home. I think we will do it this year. I have a little bit more knowledge of how to get it done. I am so unsure of myself. I thought that stuff went away w/ teenage years. but I dont know who I am really or what I want. I doubt if I am a good mom, and I want to give my children values and morals. I want to send them out knowing I've done the very best and they can count on me for anything. I want to give them everything I didnt have. I pray to god he gives me the strength knowledge and skill to do all this. I hope that over time me and austin to bond and steven and I get past this hole we stumbled in. I love him as much as a women could love a man and i feel like we've gone through so much rain so many storms I know our rainbow is coming. Some days are so good and the rain is just about to clear up and then another cloud swoops in and takes what little sunshine we had. I know this is meant to be, but its something we have to work at and we are both so tired of working on something we feel should just be. Anyhow I am rambling and getting to carried away. I hope everyone had a great forth and I am sorry I didnt get on to wish everyone a great one. I start my new job thursday and I will let everyone know how I much I love it. I better love it b/c this is my last option. I will be taking classes on tuesday to become a cna and then it'll be all gravy b/c thats where the money is. Anyhow i am going to bounce around. x's and o's be good you all or be good at it! -Tara

tonight I feel creative and so many thoughts running through my mind. one of my customers (an older gentlemen is sick) I took him a card and gift by the hospital. I want him to know I love him and care for him that he is not just a customer to me. He helped me realized that I want to be around older people. So many people just neglect there family b/c well they're old. But how sweet and full os wisdom they are. I want to help them. If I could help just one and make there last couple of years happy that would make me feel like I am doing something good with my life. I think I found my calling and I know what I want to do. So my next day off I am going to go apply and I get the job I am putting in my 2 weeks notice at the bitches resturant. I feel sorry for her because no one likes her but she is retarded. She hurt her wrist somehow has to wear a brace. So I offer over and over again to let me help her and she just doesnt accept my hlep. SW and I have been getting along really good. He keeps snapping over little things, but he has also been so sweet. Something in my life feels right... like I know some good is coming. We need more people in life who care for other people. What I want from all of you is to think about the people around you. When you see someone who could use some help, there pride is just to big to ask. Find a way to help them. When you think a child is being hurt make it your buisness to get involved. We are just as bad when we walk by and ignore the problem. Its our job as good people to help people who dont have as much who have problems. My goal is to help people. I want to help as many people as i can possibly help. I have a huge heart. I care for just about everyone even when I hate someone I feel like if they needed something I would be there. If we all just got involved alittle more then teh world would be a better place. A smile goes along way. A dollar to a bum is like a 5 to us. Throw him a 5 give him a break. See how good you feel about yourself. When that man or women says "God bless you" you tell them that god has blessed all of us and that the good is coming for them. And when it does pass it forward. Because if we all did just a little bit more good for our fellow man this really would be a happier more peacful earth and isnt that what we all truely want?

Well today has been a VERY stressful day. I've told you guys all about this lady (my boss) and how she curses us and tells everyone she has a gun (a 22) that she calls a pea shooter that apparently she keeps on her. This women is a real bitch. Well she tells me one thing then when I do it that way she'll say its not right. Like she told me when you open a jar you can refill the crocks for the salad bar w/ that jar (like say a jar of pickled okra) but once that jar is empty you should open take a new crock make a refill put it in the cooler and let the okra get empty. Well today a girl asked me where I would find the pickles and I told her to refill a new crock and put it in the cooler like I was told. And linda started yelling about it. I had already done half the salad bar and I had to stay till 4 so that meant I had todo all the stuff that had to be done from 2-5. Well there was a new girl working from 11-2 I was going to let her do the other half of the salad bar sense I had done my half and linda started yelling at me for starting the other prep work early. I tried to explain to her that I had done almost the whole salad bar already but she wouldnt shut up and let me talk. So when the new girl asked me another question I told her w/ attitude I guess to ask linda b/c obviously I didnt know how to do anything. (nobody likes to ask linda anything b/c shes a bitch and snaps at you when you ask her anything) so linda went and got on her uniform and told me I needed to call someone to come get me at 2. I asked richard if I was fired and he told me no to come in and that we would talk about it tomorrow. I am really pissed off I know this doesnt sound like a huge deal and it shouldnt be. But I hate people to tell me things and then tell me something different I had this very same problem at wal-mart it confuses me and makes me not know what to do. The fact is I'm glad i stood up for myself. Honestly, if I lose my job oh well. but I love my hours and the job isnt a bad job. I have really great customers and linda is sometimes even pleasant. But I dont like people snapping at me and I dont like it when people act like I do a bad job when I think I do a good job. I dont mess around at work. I dont smoke when I am there 9-2 and I dont cause problems. I goof off but not nearly as much as everyone else. I really try to impress everyone b/c I've always worked for mommy and sisco or at the resturant w/ steven or somewhere where someone else was looking out for me. SO when I get a job where i have no one w/ my back I always try to do a good job. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should go to the meeting and tell him how she acts and that I think she should change too or if I should go there and just appologize. It pissed me off so bad when she said I wont work w/ someone w/ an attitude and just 2 nights earlier she had been screaming at everyone like a maniac. atleast she has that choice we dont. If she wants to be a bitch we have to listen to it. Well not me. I am already on thin ice and if they dont watch it I will wait untill its a sunday morning they are horribly busy I will say lind a ur a real bitch and walk out. I've done it before and I have no problem doing it agian. I guess I should stop bitching... Wasnt my blog so much more pleasant when I didnt have a job. lol someone should mention that to SW. I hope everyone else is having a better week then me. Xoxox Tara