I dont regret anything I've done in my life, and I dont plan to hide any of it, but I do wish I could of changed who I kept in my life, and who I pushed away. I held onto the shittiest people, people who were worth holding on to I pushed a way. my life has been full of twists and turns ups and downs, lots of happieness and enough sadness to last me the rest of my life. and I'm not even half way through a normal life time. I keep thinking things will get better, nothing can stay like this. As a girl I was always very sheltered. In no way was I babied but when something was going wrong, I wasnt to know about it. My mommy and daddy devorced when I was 4 and they stayed good friends I thought all mommys and daddys did. The man my mom started seeing after that was with us from the time I was 4 till I was 13, from the time I was 5 on he was addicted to crack cocaine.I had no idea, when my mom left him I was so angry at her. He would beat my mom and had for years and I hadnt known. I didnt know what had happen untill the day he was gone for sure. That day I also found out for the past 2 years my mom had been having an affair on him with a man from work. I always thought people were good people. I knew there were bad people but I didnt think they would ever come around me. lol I guess I thought I had a special bubble to protect me from all that. When I was 16 I moved out w/ my first boyfriend. He begged me to have his baby. He would write me love notes about it and tell me that he was going to marry me as soon as I was of age. On my 18th birthday December 29th I found out I was pregnant with my first child, and that boy (who is now in jail for murder) kicked me out and told me he didnt want me or the kid. On my sisters birthday January 18th less then a month later I had an abortion. After that nothing was the same. There was such a thing as pain there were people and things I couldnt control, and no one could hide this from me. It was a big slap in the face of reality. No one could hide it from me or proctect me from it. The day I took my first childs lift my innocence left. As nieve and innocent as I act today its an act. I know how cold people are that everyone looks out for #1. I know its my job to worry about me and my kids b/c when push comes to shove they are mine and only mine.

kar·ma (kärm)
n.
1. Hinduism & Buddhism The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.
2. Fate; destiny.
3. Informal A distinctive aura, atmosphere, or feeling
Well I got the idea for my karma topic from tyler tlk (rubble has taught me about giving credit where its do) so thanks tyler b/c karma is something I believe in greatly. Basically if you do good stuff good stuff happens and if you do bad shit bad shit happens (that puts it simply and to see this put into action watch "My name is Earl" comes on Monday nights after "Family guy" on TBS) I think I am a nice person. I give bums money I brake for animals. I speak politely to adults, and I a usually dont say anything about anyone that I wouldnt say to there face. I might sugar coat it to there face but I would still say it. The fact is I feel like I constantly have horrible luck. Nothing good really happens and I always have to work twice as hard for things that come so easily to other people. I have plenty of examples of this. We have friends that talk shit take advantage of people and basically look out for themselves. Of course they have friends but they would NEVER bend over backwards to help us. (even though we've helped them out MILLIONS of times.) And these people have the best luck I've ever seen. Everything they have was basically given to them. Nothing was earned. Wheres the karma there? I mean they have to be having some bad luck but I am not seeing it. So while reading tylers thing he was talking more about the jealousy bug. Which I guess sometimes I Get a case of when I see shit like this happening. Well am I a bad person to help karma out once in a while. If I see a way of getting over on these people taking it? I mean obviously karma doesnt realize these people are horrible, right? Or am I just a bad person wishing bad and doing bad things to people... or does karma even exist? I mean is there a mistical power that makes good things happen and bad things happen to those who are worthy or unworthy? Its a thinker there... Maybe there is away to test karma... I really have to find this out. B/c I am so done being all sugary sweetly nice if karma is gonna keep kicking my ass.

well, lets see nothing really has been going on lately. I got a job and my first pay check. tips arent as bad as I thought they would be. I've been going to the tanning bed and I am going to start going to the gym 3 times a week. Austin and I have been getting along REALLY REALLY good! I like my job besides linda I am so sick of her snapping at me. I am not dumb and i dont like being spoke to like I am dumb. Anyways reg deactivated her account and i am really upset. I loved reading her blog and it really wont be the same without her. I went to leave her a message and I saw it was deactivated. Anyways I am going to bounce around. Love you all hope everyones weather is nice and everyone is having a great week! MUAHZ!

listening to nirvana had friends over tonight. maddie has an appt for preschool the 25th. I need to make her an appt for the other preschool. I tanned today in the bed. well burned. it fucking sucks to burn. but I will go back to friday. drinking a little. I like my job. steven is talking about going in the army. how can I tell him no. I am scared to death about him going I dont want to be alone and I dont want anything to happen to him. but if it something he wants to do I cant say no. I love him. I dont have much to write about. I love my friends. I need to shave my legs... is that weird to write about? yea I guess it is. lol I love zack and keisha.. its so weird and I think steven is still a little like freaked out by them. but they are freakin funny and awesome. anyhow I am going to go... I am going to look up this army stuff. xoxox Tara

I guess I havent been around lately. Sometimes I just dont have ANYTHING to write about, and sometimes I am to busy. I finally got a job! YaY me! I am a server at a pizza place. I know its not much but I like the people I work with and I love serving. They seem to like me and I think I've been doing a really good job. The women my manager is gosspier! She loves to talk about her family and other people. I love to listen too! Sometimes i have a question though and I dont want to interrupt. But it having someone to talk to is nice. Today was a good day though. Steven and me cleaned house when we got home. The I made a pot of chili after I took a nap. Keisha and Zack were supose to come out but they didnt. Its not a big deal though because I had fun with my family. I let the babies stay up late. We played dolls and trucks. Then when I put them to bed I read them a story If you give a mouse a cookie. I read it twice, then we said our prayers twice. (Maddie has this thing about 2 times for EVERYTHING) lol. Then we said another prayer for our soliders and people in the family who are having trouble. I love my family so much and it was nice to have such a pleasant day. When I'm pleasant and I talk calmly to austin he responds to me so well. Thank you momma it was a great lesson indeed! I know I will not always beable to control my temper but knowing I have a problem is the first step in recovery RIGHT? Austin and Steven are playing video games! He had a tough week but has been making a real effort to do better! He cleaned his room so steven is letting him stay up a little bit later to play his videos games... I love this. I love my life my little family even my little house... Things couldnt get more perfect! Tomorrow if the weather permits it I am going to take my kids to the park! I hope everyone else is having a wonderful day week Life! Remember to smile! Tara